Machete (Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba) : Movie Review

“Machete don’t text.”

Yes, that’s the quality of dialogue you can expect from directors Ethan Maniquis and Robert Rodriguez’s new film Machete, and I mean that in a positive way.

Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo) is an ex-Federale hired to assassinate Senator John McLaughlin (Robert De Niro), whose political platform involves erecting an electrified fence on the US-Mexico border.

When the people who hired Machete shoot him and attempt to frame him with an assassination attempt, he begins a revenge rampage unlike no other, in this ridiculous Mexploitation film.

Machete

Rounding out the cast is Jessica Alba as Sartana Rivera, an Immigration agent; Steven Seagal as Torrez, the kingpin who three years earlier cut off Machete’s wife’s head in front of him, Michelle Rodriguez as Luz, the freedom fighter operating out of a taco truck, Cheech Marin as the bad ass priest who says ‘God has mercy, I don’t’ and Jeff Fahey as Michael Booth, the man behind organising the assassination contract.

And of course we can’t forget Miss Lindsay Lohan as April Booth, the slutty daughter who has to be dragged out of the crack house by her father… yes I’m still talking about the film.

If that long list of cast members was a bit much to take in then that gives you a fair idea of what the film is like. Somewhat bloated Machete hits all of the right notes with cheesy and heavy handed dialogue but too many characters fighting for screen time ultimately makes this film too long and too messy.

Add to this to issue of immigration and what should be a straight exploitation film turns into a film with a message, and a very confused message at that.

What this film does well is show people getting stabbed and having their heads cut off by Machete with his, um, machete.

Okay, so that sounds somewhat limited but really, this is the reason the film eventuated in the first place. After the fake trailer for Machete appeared in the Grindhouse disaster of 2008 fans were waiting for the day the full length Machete feature hit their screens. Sure, in a one and a half odd minute fake trailer the idea sounded good but did it really have the legs to warrant an entire film?

While the strengths of the film are the over the top fighting sequences, excessive use of fake blood, hammy characters and the unexplainable female attention Machete receives, the downfalls are far greater and only the true grindhouse fan, or the truly stoned viewer, will find this film more than an enjoyable, if not too long, blood and guts action comedy.

Watch Out For

Did you want to see Lindsay Lohan get her gear off? For yes – Watch Out For, For no – avert your eyes!

WATCH OUT FOR | RATING : 3 out of 5